Today was a big day. I finally deleted the file of pictures of my abuse. I deleted them with a smile. The only evidence left of almost four years ago is my twisted ring finger. I chose not to let them re-set it after it broke. It wasn’t the first time but it was the last time.
I didn’t know if I was dead, or dying or what, but I couldn’t move or talk or open my eyes. I could hear him screaming at me, hitting me, trying to get me up after he strangled me, pulling me down the stairs by his huge hands. I don’t remember much anymore. I like to think I processed it and let it go. I’m not sure.
I don’t sleep well at night. I wake often. Every sound, every little sound I hear. And if anyone touches me while I’m sleeping I almost have a heart attack. I hate being touched at night. I wake instantly ready to fight. But I’m getting better. I’ll take that though. He is not turning on the lights, screaming at me. The rants usually lasted over an hour till he fully passed out drunk. I no longer sleep with some sort of weapon placed somewhere in my room for easy access. I put away the knife I kept in the dining room. I was going to be protecting myself. I may not sleep well. But I’m safe.
I enjoy the quiet. Complete silence. No listening for his truck coming home late, listening for how he would slam the door or how heavy his footsteps in his construction boots were, knowing for sure he stopped for his 6 or 12 pack. I don’t have to listen to the tone in his voice, or listen to what he says to try and figure out if I was going to trigger him somehow. I like the still. It’s comforting. I like to just hear the blood in veins because I’m still here.
You will always love and hate your abuser. I love him to this day. I love the side that cooked with me. And the side who would make me laugh so hard and do the running man and try to twerk. The hours of endless conversations, hours in the garden. Hours walking the creek and hours just being us, maybe with no words or flying kites in a hurricane, like two little kids.
Then I hated the monster, the lies. I hated how he used his size to put me down, corner my 5,1’ self and keep me there. I hated that I loved whatever he was. I hated him for it. I hated him for two black eyes. I hated the taste of my own blood from a split lip. I hated him for pulling me back through a window I was trying to escape from. I hated him for holding me down. I hated him for not listening when I said no, yet I stayed. I couldn’t take care of my children alone or my boys father always saying I’ll never get support from him. Working under the table, I couldn’t apply for services. I had no one. I had two boys.
Everyone deserves support, love,and safety. I crave those now. It’s been almost four years. Life does get easier. I still have triggers, but that lil ring bent ring finger always reminds me I may be broken, but I’ll heal just fine. Just a touch bent. I love myself so much more now. I forget my words at times and stutter. My head trauma will always be there and ear drums won’t heal. Whenever I feel like I can’t do this, I think I’m not a good enough mom, employee, or friend, I try to remind myself it wasn’t my time to check out. And I’m damn sure I wasn’t going to leave here by his hands and twisted idea of a relationship.
If you need help or think you’re a victim, there is help!
NYS Domestic and Sexual Violence Hotline
by Vanessa Gee
Good-Bye 2019! Hello 2020!
Many of us have started celebrating the New Year early; the start of a new decade. Many of us have experienced a rough decade, and rough year but not without purpose. Learning boundaries was a big deal. We learned the hard way to manifest the life we want, which meant you had to say no to various people in your life, whether it was work, family, friends or a significant other. We learned to stand up and say no to situations you would have said yes to back in 2010. Honestly, can you say you’re the same person from 2010? We have grown so significantly and rapidly in the last two years. Old ideals were not working anymore. Old one-sided relationships now a memory. I personally started this decade with guilt, shame, worry and nothing of my own, leaving a marriage that was toxic to both of us, but made beautiful children. Now at the dwindling of 2019, I have something I’d never thought I’d have, Grace…Confidence. I walk with my shoulders back. I wear my favorite accessory, my smile.
This decade molded us, stripped us to the core, to the little five years old to now. If you did “the work” you stepped out of that fog and are kind of like a newly hatched chick. The world became magical again. Things were enchanted once more. We started taking care of ourselves first, the main priority but that didn’t come without losing people close to you. Releasing them with love and taking care of you first, thus energy now protected and choosing when to give it away when necessary. And more comfortable in our skin and decisions.
So what is my prediction for 2020 and this fast approaching decade? Joy, simple as that. We don’t want settle anymore. We actually like being happy and positive because it’s freeing. If you have to love someone from afar, finish releasing them or the situations to the Universe. Then simply smile because you no longer are owning anything that isn’t yours or authentic, pushing you towards your goals.